classic emails

These just released from the archives of W+K head office in Portland.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dan Wieden
Sent: Thu 16/12/1999 06:13
To: W&K Portland
Subject: This is going to be one hell of a party.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

We have no idea what this evening will bring, but from the buzz in the office and from the far corners of the world it could be epic. I ran into Earnest in NYC last night. A lost soul who is hurrying back to where he once belonged. He said, "Dan, are you prepared for this? Dan, I mean are you PREPARED for this? People in the City are calling it the Y2K scrimmage. Me? I know it is like semi-formal, but I'm wearing a big orange jump suit with my blood type printed on the back."

Okay....

Clearly, no one will forget what we do here tonight. Well, actually, I suppose large numbers may be unable to recall much at all. And for those of you kind of new to the these events let me just say that this agency has an uncanny ability to drive a party right to the brink, teeter there for a moment, laugh or vomit or cry and then scoot back into the warm arms of pseudo-reality. It is a lost art, but a damn fine one.

But we are going to take cabs tonight. If there is even the slightest doubt, we are going to put our butts in cabs and crawl safely into bed. This is not up for debate, this is about living. And letting others live.

This is the "Goodbye Dekum" party. And we should also be nice to this old building. She has seen us at our worst and at our very very best. She knows, but she don't tell. I think it would be only good karma to show this ancient lady some respect. So, we're going to do that too.

Other than that, have some serious fun. We are taking our leave and God only knows where we are actually going.

Ain't that a bitch?

-D

From:   Brant Mau
Sent:   Thursday, June 11, 1998 12:02 PM
To:     W&K Portland
Subject:        Join My Flock

I am starting a cult and am currently looking for disciples. Ideally, I would like to have 400-450 followers by July, but I am willing to make do with 25 or so fanatics until things get off the ground. Is this something you might be interested in? Could you picture yourself as part of a fun, interesting social group devoted to a clearly-defined set of pseudo-religious principles? If so, then read on.

As of yet, no name has been selected for the organization. I'm thinking of something along the lines of "The Sacred Order of All That Is", which we're currently running through legal for trademark clearance. "The Chosen Many" has also garnered much internal support, but my fear is that it'll come off as "gimmicky" which is the kiss of death for any self-respecting cult.

Naturally, I will be the leader/messiah because it was my idea. This is only fair. I assure you, however, that I am infinitely qualified for the position and that, over time, you will come to worship and adore me as much, if not more than any other cult leader/messiah. I am very compassionate and understanding and have unusual hair. Soon you will find yourself pulling all sorts of crazy stunts at my behest, and loving every minute of it.

But let's get down to the nuts and bolts: What do I believe in? I have settled on a few basic truths, which I have entitled The Few Basic Truths. These are as follows, and should be memorized immediately:

a.) Society is a congregation of Evil and should be avoided at all costs, except for things like picking up the groceries or taking the car in for a tune-up.

b.) Life is finite. This is a very important metaphysical concept that places our day-to-day activities in a proper historical context, and, more importantly, justifies the various orgies I am envisioning on our ranch. (More on this later. There may be zoning violations of which I am unaware.)

c.)All that Is, Is. All that Isn't, Isn't. Isn't that all there Is?

Anyway, that's where I am with that. You can appreciate that the organizational details are taking away a lot of My precious time, so I haven't been able to sit down and hammer out any sort of cohesive doctrine yet. Trust me, though, it will come and it will be good.

As for our meeting place (i.e., our Compound) I am currently pricing out ranches in Gresham. Something reasonably remote, but not so far away that we won't be able to pop into town for a movie every now and then. Until then, we'll be having our meetings at the Food Court in Pioneer Square. Dress is casual, as in, completely nude. Please note, I am exempt from the whole nudity thing because (1.) I am the Messiah and (2.) I am ashamed of my penis and don't like it being viewed publicly. But enough on that.

Now, if you've never been in a cult before, it's natural that you'd be a little wary. I assure you, though, it's much simpler than you'd expect. Just follow these easy steps:

1.) Attend a few meetings. Get to feel comfortable with the cult and our members. We're not trying to pressure you into anything, and we certainly won't brainwash you. We're not trying to pressure you into anything, and we certainly won't brainwash you. We're not trying to pressure you into anything, and we certainly won't brainwash you. 

2.) Sign up. At this point, you will be asked to make a nominal donation of all your Earthly Belongings and any property that you may own. You are also responsible for bringing your own beer.

3.) Congratulations. You're now one of us.

See, that wasn't hard at all, was it? So, if you're looking for something fun to do this summer, join my cult. I look forward to teaching you all about The Many Things, and saving you all from yourselves.

Yours truly;

The Messiah

P.S. Keep September 15th open.

     -----Original Message-----
    From:     Gwen Nelson 
    Sent:    Friday, September 29, 2000 1:33 PM
    To:    W+K Portland
    Subject:    RE:  WATCH FOUND!!!!!!

    There was a watch found in the back of our building. Blue Hour has been notified as well. If you have lost a watch please come and describe to claim at the front desk.

 -----Original Message-----
From: Brant Mau
Sent: Fri 29/09/2000 21:38
To: Gwen Nelson; W+K Portland
Subject: RE: RE:  WATCH FOUND!!!!!!

it is roundish with the numbers one to twelve running around the edges, plus two "hands" (one of which is shorter than the other). 
 
-----Original Message-----
From: Jeff Kling
Sent: Thu 09/03/2000 01:42
To: W&K Portland
Subject: FW: i hate to complain.  but...

...does anyone else have a beef with the powdered hand soap?  it seems at first like a wonderful throwback.  a nod to simpler times, when industry's need for clean hands outstripped science's knowledge of liquid cleansers. good intentions supplied the new bathrooms in our new building with this old soap, and, along with all the old furniture, it seems to fit well within the old/new scheme.  but let me tell you:  this powdered soap is not a good idea.  like spit in dirt, it resists water.  it balls up in the wet hand and shoots out all over one's pants, leaving one's pantleg covered in this white globular muck that--oh, wait.  that's not soap. 

never mind.

   -----Original Message-----
            From:    Melanie Myers
            Sent:    Tuesday, September 19, 2000 12:19 PM
            To:    Dan Wieden
            Subject:    Dan

            I have a CD meeting scheduled for this Thursday at 10:00. John Jay will be joining us as well. Do you want to go over an agenda and should Susan be a part of that or not?

        -----Original Message-----
        From:    Dan Wieden
        Sent:    Tuesday, September 19, 2000 2:11 PM
        To:    Melanie Myers
        Subject:    RE: Dan

        Why the hard questions?

    -----Original Message-----
    From:    Melanie Myers
    Sent:    Tuesday, September 19, 2000 2:28 PM
    To:    Dan Wieden
    Subject:    RE: Dan

    Because you are DAN WIEDEN, for Christ's sake. YOU should have ALL the answers at ALL times.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dan Wieden
Sent: Wed 20/09/2000 00:27
To: Melanie Myers
Subject: RE: Dan

Because I am Dan Wieden I have all the answers, I have them all the time, but I also have no obligation to pass them along.

Just so you know.

-D

----------
    From:     Larry Frey
    Sent:     Tuesday, March 24, 1998 4:42 AM
    To:     W&K New York; W&K Portland; Everybody in Amsterdam
    Subject:     Been to Eastern Nepal?
 
        I know I'll regret sending this E-mail because of all the flotsam and jetsam I'm going to get but I'll ask it anyway.
        I'm going to Eastern Nepal from April 3rd to the 19th. I'll be hiking from Lakla (about 80km east of Katmandu) to Everest base camp.
        I've read a quite a bit and talked to some people so I'm pretty up to speed but I'd like to know if anyone has been there and if so, can you recommend a favorite porter, guide, yak, tea house, monastery, dealer, etc.
        Thanks, I think.

-----Original Message-----
From: Stacy Wall
Sent: Tue 24/03/1998 14:06
To: W&K New York; W&K Portland; Everybody in Amsterdam; Larry Frey
Subject: RE: Been to Eastern Nepal?

Larry,

My favorite Yak:  Old Blue.  A real sweet animal.  And strong as a, well, an ox.
Favorite Guide: Vishku from Mystic Tours.  This guy knows all the best short-cuts, and he makes a great Cobb salad.
Teahouse:  They're all really good.  But Krishvani Sunrise has the least amount of human waste dumping under their back deck, so I'll give them the nod.
Monastery:  A real toss-up, but overall, you can't beat the Spectravision at Luom Kur Monastery.  Stay away from the room service cheese fries though.
Boy oh boy was that a mistake.

Hope this helps.
Have a great time.

Wall

   

Comments

[J]

you could make a book.

[Puja]

The Dan Weiden mail is hilarious!:-)

It was fun reading your blog. Could relate to a lot of it!

Cheers!

[Joy]

this was superb! keep posting these kinda-mails on-an-often!!